Don't Set Your Watch Just Yet

When does the present become the future?

This is an easy enough question, right? As I sit the future is giving way to the present; ripped from the silently anticipatory place of will be, to is, and then to was. I'm stuck on the planning. Where do my blueprints go? Is the future so fluid that I can't engineer it? Why can't I set my watch to it?

The answer is not one you come to in a straight forward way. You have to stand in one place and look at it, and then you have to step to the side and look at it from a different angle. You have to cover you eyes for a second, then move your hands away and let them focus. You really have to squint at it and read between the lines. Sometimes you even have to let it walk right up to you while you're not looking and let it smack you in the face.

I am currently trying to be the first of what I listed above. I am approximately 19 months from being out of the military. I don't plan on staying in. I don't want to stay in. I want to go to college. For what? You would be an asshole and ask me that wouldn't you. I am currently not at liberty to say... or know. As much as I am embarrassed to say, at this point in time, I don't really know. I would love to say this writing thing is what's for me, what if right?

Although there does seem to be a distinct difference between my idea of going to school for writing as apposed to a past speculation... we’ll, say... architecture. I didn't know what the fuck an Architect does! I just guessed based on what I saw in movies and TV. This is the point when I decided to research it a little bit. I tried to read as many articles as I could however, the more and more I read, the more I found that I couldn't see myself anymore. I saw someone else. I saw someone rundown and gaunt. I saw someone who didn't want to get out of bed. Someone who is much like the same someone I am now. Someone I don't want to be.

I discovered writing in a strange yet tangible way. I'm taking online classes right now at a local community college. I'm not going for any reason more specific as I just wanted to see if I could hack it  Before the military I was just a mere high school grad with no plans (there's that word again!). So I applied and was excepted because the military would pay for it and that's guaranteed money in the pocket of the college. Hooray taxpayer’s dollars! I signed up for College Algebra and College Composition. College Algebra isn't so bad. I wish I could take it in a classroom setting though. Where I seem to be flourishing is the Composition class.

One of the first things they made us do was free write. Just a pen, or in this case a keyboard, and write without stopping. I'd never done it before. So I decided to really try. I cleared my mind, put my fingers to the keys, and started typing.

At first there wasn't much there, just awkward self talking. Stuff like, "well what do I write about… I don't know you’re my subconscious not me... he he...” but soon it all came pouring out. I actually erased a lot of it because once I was done I was supposed to turn it in and there was a lot. It was a rush. It really wiped the slate clean. It was an intellectual purging.

The purging led the way to a lot of creative pathways opening up. It's where I got the idea to do a blog. It's where I came up with so many of my musings.

This is a future me I can see; studying the written word. There is history to it, there is future in it, and at present I can't think of anything I would much rather do.

With all this being said would it be so bad, seeing as how I am less than 2 yrs away from leaving this miserable existence behind, for me to start planning. I can see how, if the zombie apocalypse happens in 2012, it would put a damper on my plans, but what ever happened to having a dream? What ever happened to aspiring to something in this life? What happened to believing you could give something to world that can change it? Is this not a noble enough calling to try and plan for?

Of course it is, but you can't answer a question with a question. So what's the fucking answer!

There isn't one.

You have to do what you feel is right for you. You really do have to squint at it for God sakes! There will come a day when you look at it a certain way and it will all make since. You will have all the factors aligned and the multiple futures will fall together into one present. It’s not something you can set your watch to, but it's closer than setting your sundial.