Getting Bad News and Just Being

What are you supposed to say when someone gives you bad news? I've always struggled with this.

Are you supposed to shrug it off; be a man about it? Are you supposed to cry in the wake of the news? Are you supposed to morn your position of knowing? Or can you just be?

I was sent an e-mail (or should I say my wife was sent an e-mail) from my grandmother today. It said that my grandfather had prostate cancer. It said that he would be going through a localized radiation treatment and that the prognosis was good. It said that is was expected, after the treatments, that the cancer would go into remission for 10-15 years. It also said that they really liked his urologist and radiologist. Like, I really care about them. It also said that they would be going to dinner soon, which meant I would have to wait if I wanted to call them.

I was sort of taken aback. Kind of like the kid who gets dumped over an e-mail. I mean couldn't I at least get a phone call. But then again, the guy that gets dumped on the phone only wanted to be told in person, as if the news would be any easier to swallow.

I'm not retarded. I know that prostate cancer is the number one cause of death in all men over the age of 75. Strange enough, that is my grandfathers age range. numero uno... un....um... eins...

I know what cancer does to people. A friend of my dad's friend had contracted brain cancer. He ended up acting like that weird uncle that everyone indulges because we know... he doesn't have much going for him right now. We looked at him with petty. I not sure if they would admit it but I sure would. I didn't laugh when he told the story about how he mistaken Pilate's as some organic food restaurant. But everyone laughed as loud and as hard as they could. As if it was his last joke, but then again, maybe it would be.

So I waited an hour or two before calling my grandparents (Mema and Pop). I thought about what I would say. I thought about maybe opening up with a nice, "How ya doin there Pops"

I've always seen my Pops as a hard ass. Maybe not hard ass, but definitely rough around the edges. This guy did 20 years in the navy, father 4 of the craziest girls you'll ever know, did 20 more years as a postal worker, drank hard liquor for breakfast, gave up drinking for the bible, and when he had his first heart attack, didn't even realize it was happening. He said, "It felt like I couldn't breath. That's not normal?"

I thought maybe this was one of those naked moments when you see someone stripped down to bear bones. The man was just diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I called. Mema answered the phone. "Heeeyyyy!!!" Seriously, that's how she answers the phone, with an over enthusiastic greeting followed by, "What a pleasant surprise." You couldn't be that surprised. Even if I had popped out of the bushes in your garden wearing peacock feather nipple rings could you be that surprised. For God sake you just told me my grandfather has CANCER! Usually she talks on the phone the longest, but tonight she knew the jig was up. They are normally so conservative about these feelings, these moments when anyone else would be looking for pity from someone. They are too proud.

She gives the phone to Pop. When don't start off talking about much. How's work. Fine. How's the wife and that ugly dog. Fine. How's the.... and his phone dies.

Shit that was my chance. I was supposed to see him vulnerable. He was supposed to cry and I was supposed to say it's okay. I was supposed to say I would be there for him no mat.... wait the phones ringing. I answer. It wasn't a long conversation. He said he didn't want to be attached to a cord connected to a wall all night. I guess he would be there soon enough, except in a hospital.

"Hello"
"I know why you called" (it was him if you couldn't tell)
"Yeah, I know you do"
"Listen we caught this thing early. The doctor took 11 biopsies and only one came back as cancer. 5 of the 11 were what they call pre-cancerous"
"Yeah, but cancer is cancer Pops." (I was the one being vulnerable)
"This is the kind of thing you just can't help, so you can't worry about it. That's biblical! Is there something you can do to fix it?"
"No"
"Then we'll worry about it once it's taken it's true course and we can really see what we're messin' with. Until then, It's all life."
"I love you Pops"
"I love you too"
"Goodnight"

I was given some confidence. I was given a breath of life. He was right. I can only really worry about what I can do to change matters and in this matter I could change nothing. I was helpless and in my helplessness I am given strength. If a man can be given a diagnosis of cancer and still say some shit like that. Maybe you can get bad news and just be.